Groupie Rules for Bands

Tonight I found a gem of site, with some pretty practical general advice about groupies. Thanks to Spazz & Dickey Lumbar for the write up, and if you want the link to the site, post a comment and I'll send it to ya.

The Drug Induced Seizure Dancers - Of course it's flattering to know that your music inspires people to cut a rug, but when the spoken word poetry pot head and her two hemp wearing side-kicks begin convulsing to the beat, front row, dead center, you have a problem. Suddenly, nobody is paying attention to your music. They are all just staring, mouths agape, at the freak show in the front row. The best way to handle this is to offer them $5 to run your merch table and purchase your rights to a seizure-free audience.

Band Humpers - You know the ones I’m talking about. They show up. They have big knockers They make you laugh a bit, and after a few swigs from wine-in-a-box they are ready to mate. Not bad, right? Well, faster than you can say "My car or yours?" she’s played “Hop On Pop” with your entire band, the roadies, and even that fan you thought was gay. Now the vortex of drama begins, complete with several "you stole her from me!" fights, an abortion, a few bouts of herpes, and a broken heart or two. Meanwhile, little miss cum-dumpster has moved on to some other band, leaving your little world in ruin. What’s the moral of the story? Don't welcome the town mattress into your universe unless you have the stamina to clean up the mess she leaves behind.

The Whack Jobs - Be wary of any groupie that does the following:
-Groupies that go to every show. EVERY show. Even the song fest you played for your parents on their anniversary... in their living room.
-Groupies that know every last detail about your personal life. For instance, if some chick knows that you listen to Silent Lucidity alone in your room clutching your teddy bear every time it rains, she has to go.
-Groupies that go through your trash. Unless you happen to have homeless, starving groupies that live in cardboard boxes, trash snooping is not cool.
-Groupies that are over the age of 35. We have a word for band-obsessed losers that are old enough to give up on having children; Stalkers. They want your seed. Get rid of them.-Groupies that piss off your girlfriends. You know what those fights can be like, and they’re not worth it. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

"audience relations" or "backstage manager" Groupie - This is the chick that shows up does some merch, some flyers, some mailers and before you realize it she has moved in, changed her address, and dubbed herself "media liaison." Hell she even somehow managed to get her own e-mail address on your web page. So there you are with your cock in hand asking yourself out loud "What the fuck?" What started out as some free labor and a blowjob has now turned into a permanent fixture, who nags because you have no shower in that rehearsal space you call home. Even worse, you can't fire her because you never hired her and now you're stuck with a hall monitor that believes your band would fall apart without her presence. When you do finally get rid of her she only becomes the Whack Job Groupie as described above.

I Heart Your Band 4 Ever - These are the fucking High School kids who have decided if your shitty band breaks up they have no reason to go on living. They have your stickers on their backpacks, trapper-keepers, composition notebook journals, and most likely on the crotch of their panties. As cute as these wee little hamsters might be, just recall the fate of poor old Professor Humbert and keep your distance.

The Understudies - These people show up, fall in love with your music, learn every note on every instrument, and then hope and pray for one of you to get decapitated by a speeding bus so they can fill your shoes. These buzzards will hang around for eons just waiting for one of you to fall ill, quit, go off on a solo career, or get a real job. So be wary of fans that mutter "Flu? Looks like cancer to me. I know a great doctor in Brazil…"

New Line Up for NWR

So, our good friend Break has taken the reins as front man, and he certainly sports the balls for the role. That said, I miss the multi-person dynamic that was there when [the other guy] :) was fronting. Don't get me wrong - it doesn't have to be Break as the additional band guy, there just needs to be someone there to play off him, because that was part of what made the band so fun to watch. The energy that gets generated by two guys bantering back and forth and getting the crowd going is way cool, and it would be good if NWR can restore that in some way. They still ROCK and here are the pics to prove it:

Album Review - Empty Heart: Loaded Gun

Re:Ignition has released an album all hard rock fans dream about - an album where every song is one we want to listen to again and again and again. Even my favorite bands miss this nearly impossible mark; there's almost always a song or two I can do without, and end up skipping over in the car or in the MP3 mix. Not these guys. On their MySpace blog they've asked for fans to post their favorite songs from the CD, and the same response keeps repeating: how the hell are we supposed to pick just ONE???? The timing on these songs is intense, the lyrics intelligent, and the low end kicks ass. This groupie reviewed the band's live show back at the end of July, and boy-oh-boy did these guys put their music where their mouth is. I don't know which is better - the CD (cause I can listen any time I want) or the live show - best just to have both I think.

The More Things Change...

...the more they stay the same. When I first started going out to shows, it seemed that every member of every band had been the previous member of every other band. It's still like that - a bit incestuous and fun to watch. Even though the band names have changed, the behavior is still the same. The combinations are endless, and I like the variety I get to see and hear while everyone is trying to figure out where they fit best. Keep it up guys and gals - the music that results is what makes the world go round!!

What do you call a girl...

who falls asleep on the couch the night of a local show? Groupie with a REAL JOB. Sometimes I miss the days when I was irresponsible and stayed up all night and followed bands around from state to state. And sometimes I don't. :))

Band of the Month - The Accident Experiment

Don't forget to check out the Band of the Month
-------------link over here on the side bar -->>
This month it's The Accident Experiment. They'll be playing Diablo's on the 17th, and for a list of show dates, check out their MySpace page:

http://www.myspace.com/theaccidentexperiment

or their Web site:

http://www.theaccidentexperiment.net/

Show Review - Fatecage & ASOF

I must begin by pointing out that Diablo's as a venue leaves a lot to be desired. Tiny stage, tables in the middle of the floor, funky-ass setup. I had never been to a rock show there before, and I spent most of my time trying to imagine what it would've been like to see these two bands at the W.O.W., John Henry's or even Latitude 21. Believe me when I say it wasn't the bands that were lacking at this particular event, in spite of the piss poor turnout. That said, let's get on to the music!

Fatecage - technically these two guys are amazing. That's right, TWO. Technology takes care of the other band member(s) you might be expecting when you walk in. The music is smart and between songs, Busby is super witty on the mic - happy birthday dude! Since there are only two guys here, a really cool addition would be images (abstract art maybe?) projected on the walls behind them, but other then that, they're solid and rockin'.

The next band of the evening was Attack Ships on Fire (and wouldn't I love to know the inside joke that created that name - A.S.O.F.!) and these guys were loud, fun, and it's a cryin' shame that the venue didn't support the music. Mike is one of the stronger vocalists I have heard in a while, and the whole band looks like a movie cast, which is hugely appealing for those of us who are into watching :). I got the feeling they were all holding back a bit, but I'm willing to bet longshot odds that had more to do with the miniscule space they were forced to occupy then anything else. I hope we didn't disappoint them too much and they'll come back and play a different venue.


Next scheduled event is Tuesday October 17th - The Accident Experiment @ Diablo's. These guys are also our Band of the Month, so check 'em out before you go to the show by clicking the link in the right side navigator.

Something to Look Forward To

It seems that October may be a month for more then just zombies and jack 'o lanterns. New music seems to be in the cards for this particular groupie, so check back often for show reviews starting this Sunday, October 8th. ROCK ON!