Groupie Rules for Bands
Tonight I found a gem of site, with some pretty practical general advice about groupies. Thanks to Spazz & Dickey Lumbar for the write up, and if you want the link to the site, post a comment and I'll send it to ya.
The Drug Induced Seizure Dancers - Of course it's flattering to know that your music inspires people to cut a rug, but when the spoken word poetry pot head and her two hemp wearing side-kicks begin convulsing to the beat, front row, dead center, you have a problem. Suddenly, nobody is paying attention to your music. They are all just staring, mouths agape, at the freak show in the front row. The best way to handle this is to offer them $5 to run your merch table and purchase your rights to a seizure-free audience.
Band Humpers - You know the ones I’m talking about. They show up. They have big knockers They make you laugh a bit, and after a few swigs from wine-in-a-box they are ready to mate. Not bad, right? Well, faster than you can say "My car or yours?" she’s played “Hop On Pop” with your entire band, the roadies, and even that fan you thought was gay. Now the vortex of drama begins, complete with several "you stole her from me!" fights, an abortion, a few bouts of herpes, and a broken heart or two. Meanwhile, little miss cum-dumpster has moved on to some other band, leaving your little world in ruin. What’s the moral of the story? Don't welcome the town mattress into your universe unless you have the stamina to clean up the mess she leaves behind.
The Whack Jobs - Be wary of any groupie that does the following:
-Groupies that go to every show. EVERY show. Even the song fest you played for your parents on their anniversary... in their living room.
-Groupies that know every last detail about your personal life. For instance, if some chick knows that you listen to Silent Lucidity alone in your room clutching your teddy bear every time it rains, she has to go.
-Groupies that go through your trash. Unless you happen to have homeless, starving groupies that live in cardboard boxes, trash snooping is not cool.
-Groupies that are over the age of 35. We have a word for band-obsessed losers that are old enough to give up on having children; Stalkers. They want your seed. Get rid of them.-Groupies that piss off your girlfriends. You know what those fights can be like, and they’re not worth it. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
"audience relations" or "backstage manager" Groupie - This is the chick that shows up does some merch, some flyers, some mailers and before you realize it she has moved in, changed her address, and dubbed herself "media liaison." Hell she even somehow managed to get her own e-mail address on your web page. So there you are with your cock in hand asking yourself out loud "What the fuck?" What started out as some free labor and a blowjob has now turned into a permanent fixture, who nags because you have no shower in that rehearsal space you call home. Even worse, you can't fire her because you never hired her and now you're stuck with a hall monitor that believes your band would fall apart without her presence. When you do finally get rid of her she only becomes the Whack Job Groupie as described above.
I Heart Your Band 4 Ever - These are the fucking High School kids who have decided if your shitty band breaks up they have no reason to go on living. They have your stickers on their backpacks, trapper-keepers, composition notebook journals, and most likely on the crotch of their panties. As cute as these wee little hamsters might be, just recall the fate of poor old Professor Humbert and keep your distance.
The Understudies - These people show up, fall in love with your music, learn every note on every instrument, and then hope and pray for one of you to get decapitated by a speeding bus so they can fill your shoes. These buzzards will hang around for eons just waiting for one of you to fall ill, quit, go off on a solo career, or get a real job. So be wary of fans that mutter "Flu? Looks like cancer to me. I know a great doctor in Brazil…"
The Drug Induced Seizure Dancers - Of course it's flattering to know that your music inspires people to cut a rug, but when the spoken word poetry pot head and her two hemp wearing side-kicks begin convulsing to the beat, front row, dead center, you have a problem. Suddenly, nobody is paying attention to your music. They are all just staring, mouths agape, at the freak show in the front row. The best way to handle this is to offer them $5 to run your merch table and purchase your rights to a seizure-free audience.
Band Humpers - You know the ones I’m talking about. They show up. They have big knockers They make you laugh a bit, and after a few swigs from wine-in-a-box they are ready to mate. Not bad, right? Well, faster than you can say "My car or yours?" she’s played “Hop On Pop” with your entire band, the roadies, and even that fan you thought was gay. Now the vortex of drama begins, complete with several "you stole her from me!" fights, an abortion, a few bouts of herpes, and a broken heart or two. Meanwhile, little miss cum-dumpster has moved on to some other band, leaving your little world in ruin. What’s the moral of the story? Don't welcome the town mattress into your universe unless you have the stamina to clean up the mess she leaves behind.
The Whack Jobs - Be wary of any groupie that does the following:
-Groupies that go to every show. EVERY show. Even the song fest you played for your parents on their anniversary... in their living room.
-Groupies that know every last detail about your personal life. For instance, if some chick knows that you listen to Silent Lucidity alone in your room clutching your teddy bear every time it rains, she has to go.
-Groupies that go through your trash. Unless you happen to have homeless, starving groupies that live in cardboard boxes, trash snooping is not cool.
-Groupies that are over the age of 35. We have a word for band-obsessed losers that are old enough to give up on having children; Stalkers. They want your seed. Get rid of them.-Groupies that piss off your girlfriends. You know what those fights can be like, and they’re not worth it. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.
"audience relations" or "backstage manager" Groupie - This is the chick that shows up does some merch, some flyers, some mailers and before you realize it she has moved in, changed her address, and dubbed herself "media liaison." Hell she even somehow managed to get her own e-mail address on your web page. So there you are with your cock in hand asking yourself out loud "What the fuck?" What started out as some free labor and a blowjob has now turned into a permanent fixture, who nags because you have no shower in that rehearsal space you call home. Even worse, you can't fire her because you never hired her and now you're stuck with a hall monitor that believes your band would fall apart without her presence. When you do finally get rid of her she only becomes the Whack Job Groupie as described above.
I Heart Your Band 4 Ever - These are the fucking High School kids who have decided if your shitty band breaks up they have no reason to go on living. They have your stickers on their backpacks, trapper-keepers, composition notebook journals, and most likely on the crotch of their panties. As cute as these wee little hamsters might be, just recall the fate of poor old Professor Humbert and keep your distance.
The Understudies - These people show up, fall in love with your music, learn every note on every instrument, and then hope and pray for one of you to get decapitated by a speeding bus so they can fill your shoes. These buzzards will hang around for eons just waiting for one of you to fall ill, quit, go off on a solo career, or get a real job. So be wary of fans that mutter "Flu? Looks like cancer to me. I know a great doctor in Brazil…"
posted by Mustang Sally at 11:23 PM
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